Friday, May 22, 2009

To much to Comprehend

I need to vent, about everything. I am not complaining, I just have a lot to think about and I need to write it down. I would usually write in my journal, but I prefer typing while listening to itunes.
Oh, where to begin? The counseling meeting with my parents. I told them that I wanted to transfer schools, although I have a better appreciation for the private school I am at. My mom talked about how she just wanted the best for me and how she really thought that private school was the place for me.
I appreciate and am thankful that she wants the best for me, but I need more out of a school. Specifically music. At this point in my life I believe that I am going to get into a job that involves music. My school has the worst music program I have ever seen. That's not okay with me.And my school is a sport orientated school, and I don't do sports so that makes me kind of an outcast. I feel alone at my school, I have not connected with anyone here. The community, to me, seems very disconnected and weak. Over all: I don't feel like I belong there.
My counselor made a very good point that it is very important that I find a place where I feel where I belong, everyone does. Not knowing where I came from (being adopted) plus not knowing where I belong, is hard. It's painful and it is contributing to my depression. I can't stand being at a school that I feel sad and lost at all day.SO, my parents and me decided that the best thing to do is to try and have me go to the school where my dad teaches.It has an amazing music program, I like the community there, and I know (some way or another), I can fit in there. This is what I wanted, so why do I feel so down?
I have doubts and fears about this transition. I don't know if this new school has all the answers, and I don't expect it will. I just want to be able to feel like I belong somewhere good and that I can become the person I am meant to be tat that place. I might not have many friends, I might be bullied or shunned because my dad is a teacher, I may hate it there. I don't know. But I feel like whatever happens this is where I'm supposed to go. I don't know if I will make it in the music program (there are so many people there that are way more talented) I just want the chance to try. And I want to be able to go into school, and not feel depressed about it.
This is going to be hard on my mother too. She has tried so hard to make this private school work, but it just wasn't for me. She wanted this so badly for me. I hate to see her upset because I am transferring schools. There is also a lot of transportation and other things that she is worried about. And I understand where that is coming from, but I believe that if this is meant to happen, everything will work out.
I am feeling so anxious and confessed right now. There is too much I am trying to deal with at once. I am feeling some what sad about leaving my private school. I am going to miss my theology class and Mp. I'm already missing my friend John who is a senior and who is done with school already. I feel so anxious/ frustrated with working all the little things out for going to my dad’s school. There is going to have to be a new schedule for when I am with my mom or dad. I feel bad because my mom is afraid that "she is going to lose me" because I am going to be up at school with my dad.
There is also a lot of pressure on me in the music department. My mom wants me to be in every possible thing for music, because this is why I wanted to transfer in the first place. I want to too, but she is just stressing me out about it right now. I have to worry about getting finished with this year before I can begin to think about all the auditions I will have to go through next year.There is so much else I am feeling that I just don't know how to put in words. Scared maybe, for the transition, upset because I haven't talked to Maya4life in forever and I miss her, too. I have to worry about so much. Worried if I am making the right chose to go back to public schools along with being stressed about my school work right now.
I guess over all I am feeling overwhelmed, and that is making me feel depressed.Writing this blog and praying have helped. Actual, I don't know if praying is helping because sometimes I swear I don't believe in God, and other times I feel very spiritual. I just know that talking, asking for help from God (or who ever is up there listening when I am praying, if there is anyone listening.), is a relief. I want to believe that there is an all powerful God that has a plan for us all, and that he is up there looking out for us. I have grown up believing that. But right now when every thing is so confusing, I sometimes doubt that there is. But then again, I do believe in God and that he is good. I suppose I just feel very distance from him and my spirituality. Lately, I have been in a state of mind that just is too overwhelmed to stop and think about God and everything.
I will have to work on rebuilding my spiritual self, and I thought that my private school I am at would have helped with this, but it is just to depressing and stressful here to make a difference.
So, before I officially (like signing all the papers and stuff) leave my school, I have to shadow at my dad’s school and see if I like it. I m doing that probably the day after I am finished finals (Monday) and the Friday afterwards, is when I have to make the final decision. I also have to talk to the principal of student affairs here about why I want to leave. I am not looking forward to that. At all. I am also not looking forward to saying goodbye to Mp.
I plan to talk to him the Friday before my last final, which is right after I finish taking his final. No one is supposed to know that I am leaving my school until the last day, not even my teachers or my sister. I hate that because I don't want to have al my friends come back next year and be like: Where's Mimi? And I don't want Mp to do that either. I have to tell him how big of a help he has been to me this year and that I am going to miss him.
I am even considering giving him the URL to this blog, but we'll see. It sounds so ridiculous, but he means a lot to me for some messed up reason. I don't love him or anything, he is just special. I don't know else to describe it.
So, there is a lot that I have to think about and decide, emotions I have to over come, and goodbyes that I will have to face.
One last thing, after all the venting I just wanted to say how grateful I am that BOTH my parents are being supportive of me through all this. They are doing everything they can to make this work and to make me happy. I am so grateful for that even though sometimes I don't show them that. But I am and I love my parents no matter what school I go to.

Okay I'm done :)
MX

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