Saturday, May 30, 2009


I am so excited!!! My dad and his girlfriend are planning a trip for the three of us to go to Boston and see RENT!!!! It's a dream come true! Rent is now off Broadway and doing a national tour, for the last time. :( But the cast doing the tour has 2 of the original cast members: Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp! Roger and Mark! AND we might be able to go back stage because Capathia Jenkins (that sang at my dad's concert), has friends in the cast that could let us back stage!!! OMG!!!!!

If you haven't see RENT either the movie or the rock opera, you have not live and you need to see it! NOW! Sorry I am an obsessed Rent-head...

"No day but today"


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Pic

The new pic I just added is of an African tribal symbol for hope and below it, it says надежда. This is my Russian name (Nadezhda) written in Russian. It is also the Russian word for HOPE.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day Weekend

I had a very nice Memorial day weekend. I spent Saturday and Sunday up in Friendship, ME where my aunt has a very large plot of land right on the beach. We didn't do much besides fish and go for walks, but it was relaxing. I also saw a video of my aunt's horses, Miss Scarlet and Mama Horse. They're living in Virgina right now at my aunt's ranch but they are coming to Maine hopefully next summer. I can't wait because I use to ride a lot and I might even take horse back riding lessons this summer. My aunt has no one else in the family to go riding with besides me, and she has already said I could come over to ride any time! And these horses are amazing. They are Tennessee walking horses, but they have a beautiful canter and they do this cool thing called a running walk so you don't have to post on them. One of them is even a registered show horse!

I also got to spend time with my mom since my sister didn't come with us and we drove up and back by ourselves. We talked a little bit, but mostly it was quiet, it was nice though. We also stopped on the way home in Freeport to go shopping. I got some nice new shirts, which is kind of funny because when we got home I went to my dad's girlfriends house and her daughter gave us all these old cloths of hers. And they were nice. She barley even wore any of them, she just needed to clean out her closet because she had to much stuff.

Then yesterday, I spent the day at my other aunt's house with my cousins, my 2 uncles, McAri, my dad, his girlfriend, and my grandmother who just got back from Florida.

And today it was back to school, sigh. But now every time I feel alone, depressed or bored at school, I just think: "Hey, I only have two more weeks of going here!"

Even with that thought I am feeling very overwhelmed, still. Not only with finals closing in on me, but with random emotion I can't describe beyond "overwhelming". Maybe I'm bipolar. i mean, one minute I feel like everything is alright and the next minute I feel like the world is closing in on me, for no reason at all! I also haven't seen my counselor since the meeting with my parents, which is making me feel anxious but I don't know why.

Yesterday I took a quiz that told me I am emotionally unstable and unable to trust people. That made me feel just great. Whatever, I also took a quiz that the fruit I am most like is a banana. What the hell is that suppose to mean, that I'm yellow? I don't even like bananas...

Peace out,



I'll be posting my theology project I wrote about the other day, if anyone is intereted.

Friday, May 22, 2009

To much to Comprehend

I need to vent, about everything. I am not complaining, I just have a lot to think about and I need to write it down. I would usually write in my journal, but I prefer typing while listening to itunes.
Oh, where to begin? The counseling meeting with my parents. I told them that I wanted to transfer schools, although I have a better appreciation for the private school I am at. My mom talked about how she just wanted the best for me and how she really thought that private school was the place for me.
I appreciate and am thankful that she wants the best for me, but I need more out of a school. Specifically music. At this point in my life I believe that I am going to get into a job that involves music. My school has the worst music program I have ever seen. That's not okay with me.And my school is a sport orientated school, and I don't do sports so that makes me kind of an outcast. I feel alone at my school, I have not connected with anyone here. The community, to me, seems very disconnected and weak. Over all: I don't feel like I belong there.
My counselor made a very good point that it is very important that I find a place where I feel where I belong, everyone does. Not knowing where I came from (being adopted) plus not knowing where I belong, is hard. It's painful and it is contributing to my depression. I can't stand being at a school that I feel sad and lost at all day.SO, my parents and me decided that the best thing to do is to try and have me go to the school where my dad teaches.It has an amazing music program, I like the community there, and I know (some way or another), I can fit in there. This is what I wanted, so why do I feel so down?
I have doubts and fears about this transition. I don't know if this new school has all the answers, and I don't expect it will. I just want to be able to feel like I belong somewhere good and that I can become the person I am meant to be tat that place. I might not have many friends, I might be bullied or shunned because my dad is a teacher, I may hate it there. I don't know. But I feel like whatever happens this is where I'm supposed to go. I don't know if I will make it in the music program (there are so many people there that are way more talented) I just want the chance to try. And I want to be able to go into school, and not feel depressed about it.
This is going to be hard on my mother too. She has tried so hard to make this private school work, but it just wasn't for me. She wanted this so badly for me. I hate to see her upset because I am transferring schools. There is also a lot of transportation and other things that she is worried about. And I understand where that is coming from, but I believe that if this is meant to happen, everything will work out.
I am feeling so anxious and confessed right now. There is too much I am trying to deal with at once. I am feeling some what sad about leaving my private school. I am going to miss my theology class and Mp. I'm already missing my friend John who is a senior and who is done with school already. I feel so anxious/ frustrated with working all the little things out for going to my dad’s school. There is going to have to be a new schedule for when I am with my mom or dad. I feel bad because my mom is afraid that "she is going to lose me" because I am going to be up at school with my dad.
There is also a lot of pressure on me in the music department. My mom wants me to be in every possible thing for music, because this is why I wanted to transfer in the first place. I want to too, but she is just stressing me out about it right now. I have to worry about getting finished with this year before I can begin to think about all the auditions I will have to go through next year.There is so much else I am feeling that I just don't know how to put in words. Scared maybe, for the transition, upset because I haven't talked to Maya4life in forever and I miss her, too. I have to worry about so much. Worried if I am making the right chose to go back to public schools along with being stressed about my school work right now.
I guess over all I am feeling overwhelmed, and that is making me feel depressed.Writing this blog and praying have helped. Actual, I don't know if praying is helping because sometimes I swear I don't believe in God, and other times I feel very spiritual. I just know that talking, asking for help from God (or who ever is up there listening when I am praying, if there is anyone listening.), is a relief. I want to believe that there is an all powerful God that has a plan for us all, and that he is up there looking out for us. I have grown up believing that. But right now when every thing is so confusing, I sometimes doubt that there is. But then again, I do believe in God and that he is good. I suppose I just feel very distance from him and my spirituality. Lately, I have been in a state of mind that just is too overwhelmed to stop and think about God and everything.
I will have to work on rebuilding my spiritual self, and I thought that my private school I am at would have helped with this, but it is just to depressing and stressful here to make a difference.
So, before I officially (like signing all the papers and stuff) leave my school, I have to shadow at my dad’s school and see if I like it. I m doing that probably the day after I am finished finals (Monday) and the Friday afterwards, is when I have to make the final decision. I also have to talk to the principal of student affairs here about why I want to leave. I am not looking forward to that. At all. I am also not looking forward to saying goodbye to Mp.
I plan to talk to him the Friday before my last final, which is right after I finish taking his final. No one is supposed to know that I am leaving my school until the last day, not even my teachers or my sister. I hate that because I don't want to have al my friends come back next year and be like: Where's Mimi? And I don't want Mp to do that either. I have to tell him how big of a help he has been to me this year and that I am going to miss him.
I am even considering giving him the URL to this blog, but we'll see. It sounds so ridiculous, but he means a lot to me for some messed up reason. I don't love him or anything, he is just special. I don't know else to describe it.
So, there is a lot that I have to think about and decide, emotions I have to over come, and goodbyes that I will have to face.
One last thing, after all the venting I just wanted to say how grateful I am that BOTH my parents are being supportive of me through all this. They are doing everything they can to make this work and to make me happy. I am so grateful for that even though sometimes I don't show them that. But I am and I love my parents no matter what school I go to.

Okay I'm done :)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I know I haven't posted in a wicked long time, I've been busy. But I will have a real post posted in a few hours, just wanted to share this.
I took a quiz about what RENT character I am most like amd these are the results (on a 1-10 score, ten being I am exactly like the person) Look back at my RENT: NO DAY BUT TODAY post to see who these characters are, if you don't know.

Over all I am: Collins - 8
Mimi - 7
Maureen - 6
Angel - 6
Roger - 6
Mark - 5
Joanne - 5


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I am finally going to write a post...WOW!!

*I wrote this a couple days ago, but am just getting around to posting it.*

I didn't go to school today because I had a sore throat and a fever, so I thought I'd finally sit down and write a blog because I have nothing better to do. Okay, so yesterday I told my friend I was going to pretend to be sick and skip school today, and low and behold, I did skip school! But it was because I was actually sick and might have strep throat. Great! *Insert sigh here* Everybody has a sore throat, it's weird. My cousin stayed home today because her throat hurt. (My uncle thinks we are faking it because we were on our laptops all day, but what else we are suppose to do. Besides it's really hard to fake swollen glands.) My friend who was in the play with me has also been out of school for 3 days because of her throat. We think that our bodies were being nice to us for waiting till after the play was over to get sick, but now we are going to get sick for an even longer time. That's our theory anyway. We also have a theory that science was made to make smart people look like idiots, but that's a completely different story.

So, yeah. I love sick days. I get to sleep in till 1:00, which I did. You get to stay in you pajamas all day and watch movies. It is just the yeah "sick" part of it that sucks. and then you have to make up all that school work. But if I can stay home again tomorrow I can get all my missed work on Friday and make it all up over the weekend. I could call someone for my assignments, but I don't have any school books with me. Figures.

Anywhoo, enough about me being sick. So, Vacation and drama has come and gone since the last time I wrote. Vacation was a bore. We just hung out at home and with friends/ family. That was nice and all, but nothing exciting to write about. Then there was our musical. Boy was that an interesting production! First of all, here is the synopsis of Starmites (the show we did):

Eleanor, a shy teenager, collects science fiction comic books. To avoid growing pains, she imagines herself as a superheroine, such as in the comic books ("Superhero girl"). In her fantasy, she becomes involved in the conflict between the evil Shak Graa and the Starmites, guardian angels of Innerspace. The 'Mites believe that Eleanor is pre-ordained to save the universe from destruction ("Starmites"). Eleanor and the Starmites seek "The Cruelty," a powerful musical instrument, which they must find before it falls into the hands of Shak Graa ("Afraid of the Dark").
In Shreikwood forest, Eleanor sings a soothing earthly lullaby ("Little Hero"), but winged women (that's me, but we weren't winged) kidnap the sleeping 'Mites ("Attack of the Banshees") and soon meet Diva, the Queen of the Banshees ("Hard to Be a Diva"). She wants one of the Starmites to wed her daughter Bizarbara. She also guards The Cruelty. The leader of the 'Mites, Space Punk, and Eleanor are becoming attracted to each other ("Love Duet"), but Bizarbara also falls in love with Space Punk. He agrees to marry Diva's daughter to save his companions from torture ("Bizarbara's Wedding") but changes his mind, unable to betray his love for Eleanor ("Milady").
Diva uses magic to disguise Bizarbara as Eleanor ("Beauty Within"), and at the wedding ceremony between Punk and "Eleanor", Trinkulus, the Starmite lizard mascot, plays The Cruelty, which casts a hypnotic spell ("The Cruelty Stomp"). Shak Graa seizes the Cruelty and prepares to sacrifice Bizarbara (who he believes to be Eleanor), which will enable him to become Master of Earth. Diva then joins forces with the real Eleanor and the Starmites to rescue Bizarbara ("Reach Right Down"). Bizarbara is willing to sacrifice herself to save the Earth. Eleanor, the wounded Space Punk and the Starmites battle and destroy Shak Graa ("Immolation"). It turns out that Eleanor is Diva's real daughter, the legendary Milady. Bizarbara finds her birth mother on Earth, and harmony is restored. Shak Graa, however, has escaped to Earth, leaving one loose end ("It Wasn't a Dream").

I hate that ending, it is sooo dumb.

So not much going on at school either. We have three weeks left including finals. I can't believe a year went by so fast, it's kind of sad. But I can't wait to be done with school, stress, hw, and everything else. But there are new stresses that come with the summer: finding a job (possibly at grocery store), finding time to do the things I want to, like going horse back riding and going to Canada. (which I might not be able to do because you need a stupid pass port starting in July to get back in to the US. I don't have a passport, btw. Well I have my Russian one from when I was a baby, plus it has my sisters pic on it because they messed it up) And then there is next year...

We (mom, dad, me) with my therapist yesterday. It was just to be able to get our perspectives out about the school I'm at and where i want to be. My therapist thinks that being at the school I am at is contributing a lot to my depression because I fell like I don't belong there. We talked about a lot, heard each other and talked about what is going to happen next year.

WE have an idea about what's going to happen, but I am I can't really ummm...expose I guess that info yet. Sorry. I will let you all know what is going on a soon as I can.

For now, I am just going to try....really, really hard, to get through all the test projects, and finals that
await me.
Till next time (which will be sooner then last time, I promise)


If any of you have any good quotes and/or songs that are motivational, spiritual, inspirational, ect... leave me a comment. I'd love to hear what they are because I am doing a Theology project that includes songs/ quotes that you have to reflect upon. I haven't found anything that has really "spoken" to me, so any ideas would be great!