Sunday, January 25, 2009

One Of Those Days

Yeah, it is one of those days today. One of those "I don't understand why I have to feel depressed" days. I don't feel like myself. I feel sad, alone, anxious (for no reason, btw) and just plain awful. I hate these kind of days. They seem to be getting more and more regular. This scares me. I don't like feeling this way. And feeling like these feelings won't go away scares me. There has been many days when I have felt like this and decided not to blog about it. I guess I didn't write about it because I am in a bad mood and because I ashamed of feeling depressed. I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but still.
Maya4Life tells me that I need to talk to my mom about feeling depressed. I have, many times. I have just stopped trying to get her to understand how I am feeling and why. I have a hard time understanding my emotions and I don't find it fun explaining things I don't understand to other people.
When I am depressed and when I feel like there is nothing in the world that can help me, I do stupid things. Very stupid things. Things that are harmful, mostly to myself. I know the things that I do are wrong and that they will not help me feel better, yet I keep doing these stupid things for reasons that I don't really understand. Sometimes I just need to do something with all my emotions, so I do dumb things. Sometimes I just do them out of habit. I don't do stupid things for attention, as some may think I do. I do them I guess because I want all the "bad feelings" to go away, but they won't.
I have started taking walks when I feel like doing something stupid. My mom and dad think I go for walks to go do drugs or some shit like that. They don't trust me, and they have good reasons for not trusting me, but I am just walking. I am trying to stop doing stupid things and start looking at healthier alternatives for handling my emotions.
I am not sure what else to say...I just hope tomorrow will be better


matryoshka said...

oh dear heart, I know the sad days can be the worst...Please know how much you are loved!! I am reading your blog and I know there are others too...I am using my blog kind of like the dolphins. You know the dolphins that when one dolphin is hurt or sick or tired, and the other dolphins swim under the hurt one and hold it up until it can swim on its own again. Let the dolphins in your life hold you up...
call me or email me anytime if you want/need to vent about life and things...I am here! Love Weewee

matryoshka said...

and I found this blog today and I thought you might find it's the link I hope....
if it doesn't work it's on my blog list under JOurney to being a normal little on it!!!