Thursday, January 29, 2009

Acceptance

This is a random and quick post, I know. Well, I have decided to but a sweat shirt with my school's logo on it. I have no idea what possessed me to do this, but I am going to us the money from my old math book (which I sold back to the book store at school) to by something that actually will say that I go o the school I go to. Actually, I do. And it was Mp. Is it at all possible for one person to change your whole perspective on something? Well, Mp has. I don't know how, but he has made me actually like and appreciate my school. I am actually happy (mostly) here. That is something that I never thought I would say, or write. (I won't say it, not aloud.) My life at school is no where near perfect, but it is satisfactory. If you read some of my first post, you will see that I HATED this school. Now, I have accepted it....maybe even stared to really like it...
Wow, that is never what I planed on, but yet this is what is happening.
Maybe I do belong here....
That still is a maybe, isn't it??

A very confused MX

At School

OMG!!! I know for sure that 2 people actually read my blog!!! Thank you guyz! Maya4Life would read my blog too, but her mom kind of banned her from the blogging world. It's a long story that I don't really want to retell. Anyway, I am at school right now. Hence the tittle of this post. And, yes I am using my only free period of the week to blog!!! Now that is what I call procrastination at it's best! I swear, facebook and blogger are the ultimate time consumers.


Not much going on today. I got in an debate with my new math teacher about his method on solving equations. His way is probably better, I just feel more comfortable doing things the way I learned them. He doesn't care, I have to do things his way. I also got info for my research paper. Now I just have to take notes on them...I hate taking notes. But that is the one thing they actually taught us how to do in middle school, how to take good notes and how to write a good lab report.


There is three more weeks till I go to NYC!!!! So excited! We are going to see Mary Poppins. I don't really care for the movie, but the musical is suppose to be better. After we get back from NYC we are going to see Sweeney Todd. One of my dad's old student teachers is playing Sweeney Todd. Oh and on Friday I am going to see A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.


I swear I spend way to many Fridays at the theater, seeing movies and musicals. I also spend way to many Fridays with my mom. Which is weird, because we don't really get along all that great. I mean, when I was younger we did, but now we just don't get along. But we try really, really hard to not get in an argument when we spend time together. We have been hanging out together more often. I don't mind spending time with her, but I mean there is usually things I would rather be doing. I don't feel like we have anything in common anymore and I just find it harder to talk to her than it use to be.



Anyway, tomorrow is purple and gold day at our school. It is our spirit week this week in honor of Catholic Schools Week. So, we are allowed to wear our school colors (purple and gold) tomorrow instead of our uniforms. The thing is, I don't own any purple, gold or yellow clothing items. I have one purple top that is a halter top, which I highly doubt I am allowed to wear. Mp is not going to be happy if I don't have any school spirit tomorrow. He knows I would rather be at a different high school and that I don't own any purple or gold. ( I told him this at the basketball game.) But I said I would get something that is school colors or that says the school name on it, but I haven't. It wasn't really a promise, but I feel bad for saying I would do something but then I didn't do it. I also sort of, kinda, maybe want to show some school spirit. This school is starting to rub off on me. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, all I know is that it makes me even more confused about the whole transferring thing.

One last thing I have to say today: I really hate going to the same thing as my cousin. He is in my grade and on the football team. And who am I in the social scene? I am nobody. I hate how people are so astonished by the fact that me, the social outcast with no set clique, is related to the popular football player. Yeah, well I am and people need to get over that. And he doesn't treat me the same way he does if we are at a family party or something. He acts as if he is better than me. I know sometimes he is kidding, but geez it is still not funny. I am also being compared to him when it comes to school by my grandmother. I don't like being compared to people, it makes me feel bad. Also, his mother is obviously my aunt, but she also works at my sisters school. SO she has two people who tell her all about what is going on in my life. Which is none of her business, btw. (I never got along with her. It could be very obvious and scientifically proven that a table is wooden and she could tell me that, but I would still argue that the table was metal. She says black, I say white. It is part of my natural charm, lol)

Okay done venting about that. That's all for now in The Life and Times of MimiX, thanks for reading!

MX

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Snowday, Definitley Needed

When I wake up to my ring tone (Misery Business by Paramore) alerting me that I have a new text message at 5:15 in the morning, I know that it is going to be a snow day. I signed up for the weather channel's snow cancellation alert thing. And low and behold, SNOW DAY! (These arw seriously the most holy words to all high school students.)
I so needed today off. For any of you that have been reading my blog for the last few days, I am sure you can agree with that. I have been feeling down, and the stress of school just makes that even worse.
So, I got to sleep in today. I also made cookies. I kind of burnt them , but they are still good. I also got to work on my 5 page research paper on St. Augustine for the national history day project. He is actually a fairly interesting person to research. I chose him very randomly. I saw his name on the options for topics and I saw him lat week in my theology book, so I chose him. And nobody else wants to do a saint so I thought I'd be the one who did. I don't try to fit in with the crowd because I think that God has made it very obvious that I was born to stand out. No harm in that no is there?
Now, for my amazing midterm results...
Math- Okay this is bad, please don't judge...57% ewwww!! Hey, but I switched my math class so I am no longer in honors. The non-honors course is so easy! I am sure to get an A in this class.
Science- Also very, very bad...D-. But I still have a B in that class and my teacher says this grade isn't very uncommon among freshmen in physical science honors.
History- A-, this is very good considering how hard his tests are.
English- A- as well, very good my teacher said. I thought so too.
French- A, I rock at french, not to brag!
And I always save the bect for last: Theology- I got a 100%! I think it is because I like this class the best, and it is a very easy subject if you pay attention in class and study.
So, over all, midterms were good. Well, besides for math and science, but I suppose there is always time for improvement.
OMG! I am going to NYC for February break! I am so excited! I love New York, I can't wait to move there someday. Now I have something to look forward to on those days when the school work seems never to end.
That's all for now. I am going back to enjoy my day off from school and stress.
Peace,
MX

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Dolphins of My Life

Today was better, in a way. I feel better, but those feelings are still there. They are just hidden, for now. I just need to try to look at the positives in life...

Like those people in my life who have made me smile when I am down. Like Mp, Maya4Life, and matryshka. Thank-you guys for just being there on those bad days. I appreciate it so much! Especially to you matryshka, thanks for the comments! They put a smile on my face. :)

Here is a prayer for all those who have helped me through the tough stuff

Guardian Angel, watch over those whose names you can read in my heart.Guard over them with every care and make their way easy and their labours fruitful.Dry their tears if they weep; sanctify their joys; raise their courage if they weaken; restore their hope if they lose heart, their health if they be ill,truth if they err,repentance if they fail.

Thank-you
MX

Sunday, January 25, 2009

One Of Those Days

Yeah, it is one of those days today. One of those "I don't understand why I have to feel depressed" days. I don't feel like myself. I feel sad, alone, anxious (for no reason, btw) and just plain awful. I hate these kind of days. They seem to be getting more and more regular. This scares me. I don't like feeling this way. And feeling like these feelings won't go away scares me. There has been many days when I have felt like this and decided not to blog about it. I guess I didn't write about it because I am in a bad mood and because I ashamed of feeling depressed. I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but still.
Maya4Life tells me that I need to talk to my mom about feeling depressed. I have, many times. I have just stopped trying to get her to understand how I am feeling and why. I have a hard time understanding my emotions and I don't find it fun explaining things I don't understand to other people.
When I am depressed and when I feel like there is nothing in the world that can help me, I do stupid things. Very stupid things. Things that are harmful, mostly to myself. I know the things that I do are wrong and that they will not help me feel better, yet I keep doing these stupid things for reasons that I don't really understand. Sometimes I just need to do something with all my emotions, so I do dumb things. Sometimes I just do them out of habit. I don't do stupid things for attention, as some may think I do. I do them I guess because I want all the "bad feelings" to go away, but they won't.
I have started taking walks when I feel like doing something stupid. My mom and dad think I go for walks to go do drugs or some shit like that. They don't trust me, and they have good reasons for not trusting me, but I am just walking. I am trying to stop doing stupid things and start looking at healthier alternatives for handling my emotions.
I am not sure what else to say...I just hope tomorrow will be better
MX

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Almost Done

I have about an hour before I can go home and nothing to study here, so I thought I'd attempt at a blog post...
I have taken 4 midterms: Math, was hard but I did my best. It doesn't matter how I did because I will either fail or get a D-. French, was harder than I thought it would be, but still easy. English, was easy but time consuming. And theology was easy. The essay about the Jewish salvation history took awhile but I know it by heart.
So, two more to go: science and history. The two hardest ones I will have to face. But two more and I am done!!!! I just have to get through a long night of studying and two horrible test...I think I can do it, I have made it thus far.
Oh, btw: it was Mp's birthday yesterday, and I forgot to say happy birthday to him when I was finished with his test. Now I feel guilty. So, I thought I'd just say it on my blog that no one reads: Happy Birthday Mp!! :)
I don't really have much to write. That is probably due to the fact I am written out because I have written five essay's today!
So,write again when I am free of midterms!
Peace out,
MX

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Life Has It's Up's and Down's

Yesterday was not a good day, not at all. I felt stressed and tired. I felt depressed for the first time in a long time and that made me scared and angry. I thought that I was done feeling depressed, but I realized that feeling that way never goes away, it just hides. Which is the reason I was in a very pissy mood to everybody yesterday, even Mp. Not even theology class could make me smile. So, after school I decided to go for a long walk in the cold to help myself feel better. S0 I bought a monster, turned my ipod to tune out the world, and walked f0r an hour. I believe that this helped, and I thought through a lot.

I thought about school, midterms, stress, Mp, Maya4Life, and just life in general. I am still very confused about most of these things and I still have no idea why I am feeling the way I do, but I do a little feel better.

One thing that I did think about that I do understand is this: Just because today treated you badly, doesn't mean tomorrow will. This was my motivation for getting up this morning with a relatively good attitude. It also motivated me to study for midterms...

Today was better than yesterday in many ways. I did well (I think) on my tests, I got to study for midterms in most of my classes, I didn't feel as depressed, I have the rest of the day free, and I talked to Mp.

On the negative side today, I am tired. I also had to talk to my guidance counselor today.

I didn't know why because all they gave me was a piece of paper with an appointment time on it. So this made me feel anxious, and when I get to anxious there is really nothing I can do about it besides taking deep breaths and hoping that I will stop shaking. So, I just talked with Mrs. W (the freshman counselor) and she just wanted to talk to me about how I was liking to school. (I know now that this had to do with something my mom said to her about me wanting to transfer.) I lied, I said everything was fine. She told me that if I ever need anything I can come back and talk to her, but I won't. She seemed nice and all, but I don't like guidance counselors, never have. I haven't really have a good experience with them in the past, that is probably why. I don't want to talk to her because I don't know her and she doesn't know me. And besides, she has kids like me come talk to her everyday, why would she care if everything was fine with me? It is just her job. And when I talk to counselors, I feel bombarded with questions that are pointless.

If I am going to talk to anyone about how school is going it is going to be Maya4Life or Mp. I trust them, I know them, and I don't feel awkward talking o them. And they don't ask me how I am doing just because it is their job, they do it because they care. (Well, I hope they do)

So, those are my life's ups and downs for the last 2 days, hopefully there will be more ups than downs in times to come.

But life is a winding road of confusion, so there is no way to tell what will come next. Just got to keep hoping for the best...

MX

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Midterms...A High School Student's Worst Nightmare

Guess what a week from today is??? Midterms!! Ugh, guess which one I have first??? Math! Figures. But good news: I can switch to non-honors algebra after midterms without switching around my whole schedule!! The only reason I didn't switch before was because I was afraid of having to switch science/ theology classes and because I like what being in honors does to your GPA. Oh, well. There is hope for more honors next year...

So, midterms. Ew. I don't like tests and I don't like studying so I don't like midterms already. But I actually did get a productive hour of studying in last night. I am hoping to do the same all this week. (But knowing me, I'll probably end up on Facebook talking to E some how.)

By the way, Mp knows that I like E. At the basketball game he asked me if I had any crushes and I wouldn't tell him. But of course, he convinced me to in the end. That's okay, I trust him. And he would have probably found out one way or another. He's good like that.

Also, yesterday in theology class (lol), he told the class that I was his date at the game. Talk about embarrassing! And did I mention E is in my class? I don't really care what anyone says, because I guess I was his date. If anyone says anything, there probably just jealous. And I am not ashamed that I sat with a teacher at a school basket ball game, it was fun. And I don't regret it one bit...

MX

Monday, January 12, 2009

Math is Ruining My Life (Rather My GPA)

I just spoke with my math teacher and I scored a 50 on our last test. I have a 70 average in that class. That is just passing. There is no hope for me to bring that grade up to a C. That is not good. That is very, very bad. I am going to have all A's and one big, fat, nasty F (possibly a D if I do well on the midterm, which is not likely) on my report card. Do you know how bad that is going to look like to me, my parents, collages?????? I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! Take a deep breath, find a happy place, find a happy place. Nope, not working, I am still freaking out.
I guess on the bright side of things, I wont have to switch classes even if I do fail math. Oh, and the bball game went really well. We lost, but I had alot of fun and I sat with mp.
But, *sigh* an F? Seriously I am better than an F....
MX :((((

Friday, January 9, 2009

Friday At Last

Omg it is Friday!!!! No School tomorrow, I can sleep in! For the last two days, I have had a hard time of getting out of bed. I seriously have to lie there for an hour to think of a slightly good reason to get out of bed. It usually involves theology class and seeing E. Today my inspiration was that I had a free period first, it's Friday, and I have theology class.

Today went painfully slow and the only interesting part of my day was theology class. Today our reflection in class (it is usually a quote) was about this:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

Mp asked what I thought of this. I said that this is saying that even when you feel lost God is there with you helping you through the tough stuff. Then he asked me if I believed this. I said Yes.



Of course I do, why else would I say it? ( I can't lie to mp, it is physically impossible for me. So everything I say to him is the truth, even if the truth is not chalked full of details, it is still always the truth.) But, yes I do believe this. If you asked me this a couple of weeks ago, I would have flat out answered: "No, God doesn't care or else I wouldn't be at this damn school!" But now my answer is: "Yes and I can prove it."

Something that Mp said when we talked about me transferring has stuck with me. It was how he said that I should pray to God to help me with understanding things and that God is there with me even when it does not seem that way. And finally he said God has a plan for me.

I didn't believe anything he said at the time, but I took it into consideration, and I prayed and looked for god in my daily life. Ever since then, things haven't been as bad as they were before and I now feel that God is guiding me through everyday, even when I feel alone.

I have learned so much being at this school, mostly in theology. I have become more aware of God everyday, I have come to appreciate prayer, I have learned to be a person for others, I have started accepting things as they are, and over all I think I have become a better person by being here.

I have Mp to thank for all of this because he put things in perspective for me, he has taught me things I will value my whole life, and he continues to be there for me. I am starting to see this school as not such a bad thing....

But there is still something in my heart that is telling me I don't belong here. I also still long to be in this choir at another public school, but maybe this is the not the path for me. Maybe I was meant to stay at this school. I don't know, but I am here at this school for the rest of the year because my mom finished paying my tuition. So while I am here, I am determined to figure this whole situation out and if here is really where I was meant to be.

I don't know, perhaps I never will, but I don't care at the moment because today is Friday and tomorrow I am going to a basketball game at my sisters school, against my school. Mp is going and possibly Maya4Life, so that is all I am going to worry about right now.

I think the answers shall come when they are ready....

Until then,

MX

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Back at School

So, here I am once again at the school library during my free period when I should probably attend to that unfinished homework due next block.

Oh, well. We started school again yesterday and it a was much easier transition than I thought it would be. I went to bed at about 8:30 the night before and surprisingly I was up at 5:30 and up and going ten minutes later. I amaze myself. School seemed to go by super fast yesterday and I had a high energy thing going on for awhile and went to bed at 9:00 after watching House.

Today is going okay, a little harder to get out of bed, but okay. Midterms are in two weeks and I plan to begin studying for then tomorrow. (Maybe even tonight) That gives me one more day to not feel anxious and stressed out!

Like I have said, I have no idea who reads this blog and no idea why you would be interested in my lame life. I wish I could fascinate all of you 2 people that read my blog with a love story or epic poem, but I can not because that is simply not my life. Well, I guess I could write an epic poem about my life, minus the epic. But my life is what it is: pretty good, but dull and sometimes frustrating, and I am really trying to accept that.

Today in theology class (lol, that is my favorite beginning to a sentence), Mp asked us us to write down three goals for the new year. You already know of my academic and personal goals, but he asked us also to have a moral goal. A goal that will help us become a better person. Mine was this: To accept things the way that they are (to accept things I can not change) and to me nicer to my mom/ sister.

This is the goal at the top of my list and this is a goal so easily accomplished day by day.

"Every blade of grass has an angel whispering to it to grow, grow."
(Quote from Theology class)

4EverandEver,
MX

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Back to School So Soon

I am so anxious for the end of vacation and the start of school. I am so not looking forward to math class, homework, and midterms.
*Sigh* Midterms. Something I wish had never been invented. I have never taken midterms, and I am not looking forward to taking them. What I have heard from upper class men about midterms makes me scared. I know they are probably over reacting, but I don't like tests and I don't do well on them. So the idea of a 50 question test that accounts for 20% of your grade, does not make me happy. Not one bit. There is only 17 more days till I have to take them!!! (Yes, I counted.)
I am just trying (very, very hard) to concentrate on the good things about going back to school. Honestly, I could not think of many good things about going back. I will have theology class and I will get to see Mp. I am also looking forward to see my few friends and E. Although he hasn't spoken, texted, emailed, etc me for like a week. Oh, well. He can't ignore me at school, I need help with my math HW. (Which happens to be due first period Monday morning, and I haven't even started it, Talk about procrastination!)
I always hate going back to school because I hate change and it takes m forever to get back into the swing of things. It is so annoying! And I also have to get use to going to bed at 9 and getting up at 5:30.
Well, that's really all I have to say right now. I was just trying to calm my anxiety. I think it helped... a little.
Till schools starts again...
MX

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year, New Me

Happy new year everyone! I hope this will be the first of many interesting (or not) post in 2009!
I can't believe that this year has gone by so fast, I feel like it was just yesterday that I was accepted to the school I am now at. And I can not believe that I have survived almost 4 months of high school, it is amazing!
I am so glad that it is a new year because that means a new start (for most things) Starting today I have decided to take Mp's advice and stay at this school and give it my best for the rest of the year. I mean, I didn't have a real chose about transferring schools because I was going to stay at this school weather I liked it or not. That is mainly because my mom has already payed my tuition. But I am going to accept (or try really, really, really hard to) that I am here at this school and I am not going anywhere.
Also this year I am going to try really hard to get back in shape. I am not over weight or anything, but I could look better in my bathing suit. And I really miss running, so I need to start doing that again.
Another big goal for '09 is to get my straight A status back. I mean, I am almost there. I have a's in everything besides science (C+/ B) and Math (gulp, still a D). I know I can do this, I just have to work really, really hard.
My final goal (rather dream) for 2009 is, well to get E to see me as I see him. I really, really like him and honestly I have no idea what I am doing. I guess I am just doing what feels right. I like him and I don't know what to do about it, because I don't he feels the same way.
Anyway, I am going to make 2009 my year. It is time to show the world who I really am and prove that there is more to me than meets the eye.
To a new year and (hopefully) a new me...
Happy New Year
MX