Friday, October 24, 2008


*Sigh* I hate math, it is stupied. One minitue I get it then they just have to go and add letters in with numbers and it just screws everything up!!! I thought I was doing better in math since I got a 90 on my math quiz on Wednesday, but then today we had a test and I didn't understand it at all! I didn't awsner a bunch of questions and the ones I did awsner I am positive I got wrong. Even if I did get then right, I would still fail. Without math my life would be so much easier...*Sigh*

But on the bright side it is Friday and I found both my scripts for drama. One of them was on the stage and another this guy had. Now I have two scripts. WOW....back up, baby! (in case I lose one!!)

Anyway, I was reading all my blogs that I have ever posted, and there...different, like me I guess. One of the first blogs I wrote that I wanted to be that cool drama geek, but I was a rebellious teen that didn't want to be here. Now I think I am... What am I? Maybe"that quite girl who likes theology class." I haven't really established a reputation at this school yet. At my old school I was the smart drama/ music geek that likes to get in trouble, or does trouble just find her? Yeah, I think It was mostly I am not trying to get in trouble, but I seem t0 a lot. For a while at my old school I was shy girl who didn't talk, then I was just girl who gets in trouble, but has good grades, finally I become drama geek. Now I am back to quite girl who doesn't talk. It is like one huge cycle of reputations. None of them are any good though. But popularity isn't the answer to life's longings, that is what they are teaching at this school anyway.

Peace out,

MX <3

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

More Theology Class

I ent 0n the retreat with some of the freshman class. It was a great experience in my opinion. We are required to go on this retreat to graduate, so might as well make the best of it. At first I was not so pleased about having to go because I wasn't going with my class and MP, so I was pretty PO'ed about that. then MP was talking to me on Friday after school, asking about me being adopted and having my parents being divorced. Then the conversation come to the subject of he retreat (which we were talking about in the first place) and he asked me if I wanted him to come on the retreat since I didn't know anyone going. I was very pleased with this idea, so I said yes and he ended up going with me to the retreat instead of to a doctors appointment. I thought that was a very nice thing for him to do. I felt so much less out of place when he was there.

Hey guess what??? My grades in science and math are coming back up!! I finally feeling like the old me again, the hard working-need to do my work me. I don't know what was going on, but I just kind of lost my motivation to do well. I think now that I have some friends,

and because I don't feel so stressed about my school work and because I am really enjoying drama, that I have got it back where it needs to be. I just need to keep it up....

So, school isn't really stressing me out right now, but the fact that the auditions for the district music festival are on Monday, and I don't even know the song is stressing me out! I really need to learn how to prepare for these kind of things ahead of time...And I need to stop leaving my script on the stage at drama. I lost my actually book-like script, so I got a photo copy, and I lost that too!! Gotta stop doing that....

Anyway, not much else to write about right now. I'm sure there will be after theology class, something funny or really confusing happens during that class. I mean yesterday MP, told me he needed to talk to me in the hall, and I thought I was in trouble. (I usually am when a teacher needs to talk to me) But he just asked my opinion on how he treated this kid who was acting up during class the other day. I have know Idea why. I asked him after class whyhe asked me that and he said he just valued my opinion. What does that mean? A teacher has ever said that to me before....


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Journey To The Past

I am really bad at math and science, just thought I'd let you all know. I swear I am going to fail both those classes. At least you don't have to be good at those two subjects to be a music teacher. At least that's what my dad says and he is a music teacher. That's what I want to be when I am older. Singing and pretty much anything to do with music is what I am good at, so that's what I have decided to do with my life. Or become a a diagnostician, but I am bad at math and science so that probably wont happen as much as I would like it to. Anyway, I am very bored right now. I should be studying for the test I have in english, considering that this is my only free period today. But I just can't concentrate on vocab at the moment. My mind is miles away from school right now, it is somewhere in northern Russia....

Yesterday my friend asked me if I could go anywhere int the world, where would I go? I have not been able to get that question out of my mind. I knew instantly where I wanted to go, Russia to that little town where I was born and where I live for the first year of my life. Most people would think I am crazy for wanting to go somewhere so cold, whats in Russia anyway? Well, my birth family, it's were I came from. I wish so much that I could go to Russia and live the way my birth mother had and to see the things she saw. I want to experience what my life would have been like if I had not been adopted, if only for a week and even if it wasn't really the way it would have been. More importantly I want to meet my birth mother, that is if she is still alive. Or maybe my brother, who would now be 21. I know that this is a goal that I may never reach, but I can try. Some day I will. I swear (but not to God because I go to a Catholic scholl..Lol...) that I will. And I'll write a blog about it! I think I'll call My Journey to the Past...

See, my theory is that where you have come from is not really who you are as a person, but it is a good place to start your journey in finding out who you are and who you want to become. So, how can I figure out who I really am without knowing where I came from? Where you come from may have nothing to do with who you are at all, but I still want the chance to explore my biological family history. I want to be there, in the place I was born just to see what it's like. And if I ever get the chance to I want to tell my birth mother thank you for loving me enough to give me up and for giving me a chance at a better life. A life that she may not have been able to provid me with. That is the greatest gift have ever recived...Life, and a chance to have the best life possible.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Last night and today I have learned a lot about myself and my family...

Let me just start with telling you that deal with some emotional difficulties sometimes. I get anxious and stressed way to easily and sometimes I have to deal with depression. Not like I'm suicidal or anything, but I just have random outburst of feelings of sadness, loneliness, and confused sacredness and anxiety. I guess these feelings never go away, they are just hidden deep within me and when I don't have the strength to hide then from the world I break down and they all come rushing out like the Nile river. So, yesterday I was felt like I could not ignore these feelings anymore and I was mad about it. Mad at the world for no reason. And then my mom asked me if i was okay and so I told her how I started crying and i told her how I was feeling. She helped me feel better and deal with these feelings and told me she is seeing about a councilor for me. This was a major break through in our mother daughter relationship. I had always been very close to my mom when I was younger, but then I when I entered middle school I just hated her and could never talk to her about anything. Yesterday was the first time I felt like I could talk to my mother and feel close to her since 5th grade. I am so incredibility grateful I did.

Today was the first time I felt close to my grandmother in...forever. I have always seen her a s a woman that is always nagging at me for one thing or another. But today was grandparents day and she followed me in my classes today. That made me realize that she was interested in my life and she care what was happening in it. The whole experience I think made me appreciate her even more.

I wish to leave you with one last thought. Yesterday Maya4Life, my BFFL, (LOL, my mom didn't know what that was and I had to explain it to here.) asked me what my favorite word is. After thinking about this all night I think that my favorite word is LOVE. It is something that makes up this world. Just think about the world would be like with no love! I think it is would be pretty grim. You have to Love to Live and Live to Love and that is my theory for happiness and a life lived to the fullest. "Don't pity the dead, pity the living. The ones that live without love" Because they are the ones who will have a sad and lonely life. "Give into Love, or live in fear" Because to live in a world with no love is something to fear. Love yourself, love your friends, love your family because without love the world would stop spinning.




Quotes from Harry Potter and Deathly Hollows and RENT